


The other Hugh

by codenamepenguin



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Fix-It, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Reunions, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-10-26 00:21:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17735447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codenamepenguin/pseuds/codenamepenguin
Summary: What if Michael didn't bring back Georgiou? What if she brought back someone else?





	1. Hi

Dazed wasn’t the right word.

Emotionally shredded sounded more or less right.

Paul didn't even know how he was still upright, as he walked unsteadily down the corridor towards Specialist Burnham’s quarters, with the requested tray of food and medicines in his hands.

When Commander Saru had sat him down in his room and broke the news, he had jumped straight in the air with a loud scream of disbelief.  If Saru hadn’t grabbed on to the back of his tunic then, he would have run straight across the ship like a mad man.

Hugh.

Hugh was here.

Or some version of him.

This couldn’t be happening.

He stood outside the door of Burnham’s room suddenly terrified. It was as though his whole world had narrowed to the piece of steel infront of him, where life or death awaited him on the other side. Saru had told him that “Hugh” was assigned to care for Michael, who had been slightly injured in the last desperate moments as they fled from the Charon. Exhibiting the empathy that was such a part of their species, the Commander had left matters as to if and how, Paul wanted to interact with this “Hugh”. In the meantime, their new arrival was sequestered in this room, until Starfleet could determine the best course of action. None of the crew had been told, and the young engineer had a strong suspicion that Saru had violated direct orders, by telling him this much.

Without warning, the door infront him slid open.

He thought he was going to faint.

‘Whoa,’ not-Hugh replied, reaching out to grab the tray before it slipped out his hands, ‘I’ve got it.’

Paul just stood staring like an idiot. The man looked exactly like his husband, except for the head of thin, shoulder length plaits that he now sported, artfully arranged in attractive twists.

There were other differences of course.

Primarily the guarded look in the man’s big brown eyes.

‘Hi,’ Paul croaked out stupidly, willing himself not to throw his arms around the man infront of him.

“Hugh” sighed quietly. ‘I take it from your expression that you knew the recently deceased Dr. Culber.’

Stamets nodded his head, not trusting his voice to speak.

‘I am so sorry for your loss,’ the other man continued.

The tall dark skinned man looked concerned as his visitor’s face crumpled, in a clear attempt not to cry. He had already been through this with Michael, as she explained to him why she had “kidnapped” him across the universe.

‘What’s your name?’ he inquired desperately.

‘Paul.’

It was barely a whisper.

‘My name is Juan.’

‘Why are you calling yourself by your middle name?! ‘ Paul yelped in surprise.

‘Because…’

They stood staring at each for a long poignant moment until Paul nodded in understanding, bending his head in defeat.

Because he wasn’t Hugh and he never would be.

He had lost the man he loved.

Twice.

He shouldn't have come.

Juan frowned compassionately as the man before him sobbed softly into his chest. They must have been close friends in this universe, for Paul to know his middle name. He balanced the tray in the one hand, reaching out to gently squeeze the man’s shoulder comfortingly. ‘Thank you for bringing this tray. Michael needs to eat. Her levels are bouncing all over the place.’

‘You’re a doctor too?’ Paul asked breathlessly in astonishment, as he looked up.

‘No, I never finished the training,’ Juan admitted, glad for this respite.  ‘Do you think in this world, I would be permitted? I am a hard worker. I know so much already.’

Juan had to admit that Paul had a beautiful smile.

‘I will ensure it,’ the man announced firmly as though he was taking an oath of allegiance infront of the Emperor.

Juan nodded his thanks as he stepped away to look after the woman in his care, still thinking about the serious young man who this universe’s Hugh Culbert had been friends with.

Lucky bastard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

__


	2. Prisoner

Lieutenant Stamets groaned miserably as his comm badge beeped.

He was currently in his favorite position, lying flat on the sofa on his stomach with every blanket he owned, covering him from head to toe. There was something comforting about the hard press of the cushions against his chest that could calm him down, like nothing else could.

His badge shrieked again, ruining the perfect stillness of his quarters.

‘Tilly, not now!’ he finally answered, not in the mood for his ensign’s mothering worry.

‘Not Tilly,’ a well-loved voice countered unexpectedly.

Paul scrambled out of his cocoon, flinging blankets comically this way and that, in his haste to activate the small view screen on the side table. ‘What’s wrong? Are you alright?!’

‘I am fine,’ Juan answered, ‘is this okay, me calling you? Michael programmed the settings for me.’

‘Certainly, you can call anytime you like!’ Paul babbled excitedly, trying not to grin like a simpleton. He had been dissecting their meeting for the better part of two hours, secretly daydreaming about things he knew he shouldn’t be thinking about at all.

‘Are you alone?’

‘Yes, why?’

Did Hugh…no Juan, want to come over?

Paul wasn’t surprised when his pulse rate skyrocketed.

‘You have crazy hair.’

Mortified, the young engineer finger combed the strands of his hair, hopefully into a more decent shape.

‘That light skin you have must be a disadvantage at times,’ Juan then commented, snorting with laughter at the look on Paul’s face. He had never seen a blush on top of a blush.

‘Anyway,’ he continued, trying to spare the other man any further embarrassment, ‘I finally got Michael to rest, so I logged on to the computer.’

‘Can I ask how she is?’ Stamens asked automatically.

There was a pause before Juan gave him a small, stubborn smile that was so endearingly familiar, it made his insides ache. ‘You can ask, but I would rather not say.’

‘See, you’re well on your way to becoming a doctor,’ he remarked wistfully.

Juan held up a PADD device. ‘They have allowed me a few games and movies but all of a sudden, I now have the entire first year programme of Starfleet medical. Thank you, Paul. This means a lot to me.’

The engineer nodded. He could feel the tears pricking at his eyeballs as Juan smiled brilliantly up at him, as if he had given him all the stars in the sky. It was both horrible and wonderful, all at the same time. ‘So, what do you think?’

Juan turned eagerly to a small console near his left elbow. ‘I like how the curriculum includes the care of so many species. My old programme didn’t stress that.’

Paul frowned as the man picked fretfully at an imaginary string on his tunic.

‘Are some parts missing?’ Juan suddenly blurted out, ‘I was wondering about the courses on medical interrogation.’

_The what interrogation?_

_Wait._

_He didn’t mean..?_

‘Starfleet doesn’t torture its prisoners,’ Paul replied in a flat tone. If he wasn’t looking out for it, he would have missed the way the other man’s shoulders relaxed marginally.

‘That’s good,’ Juan whispered in a hoarse voice, not looking at him.

‘And you are not a prisoner, either!’

Juan could only smile at that, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

‘You’re not!’ the blonde insisted.

‘Am I that easy to read?’ Juan deflected with a confident wave of his hand, ‘have to work on that.’

Paul’s fingers flew over his console, ‘Hang on to your knickers, Hugh!’

A column of light shimmered on screen, just as it simultaneously lit up the space a few feet away from his sofa.

Paul grinned mischievously even as Juan scowled down at him, ‘Ta da! NOT a prisoner!’

Eventually Juan laughed softly, caught up in Paul’s infectious excitement. He walked forward and gracefully folded himself into a nearby chair. In the meantime, the young engineer tried not to ogle at the strange, skintight leather pants that encased the length of Juan’s long legs.

It made him look dangerous.

‘So was it like this, with you and your Hugh?’

‘What do you mean? Paul asked distractedly, suddenly hyper aware that his room was littered with images of him and his dead husband.

‘You, always walking head first into trouble and Hugh, bailing you out,’ Juan explained, pointing an accusing finger at him.

‘Sometimes,’ Paul snorted in mock annoyance.

Juan shook his head in exasperation and the lieutenant felt something in him die a little. Yes, they were from different universes, but Juan had a lot of his Hugh’s mannerism down pat.

‘Sorry, you probably think I am this huge idiot,’ he muttered forlornly. It bothered him to have lost the man’s good opinion, although he knew it shouldn’t.

‘I don’t think that,’ Juan countered after a few moments of quiet reflection, ‘it’s refreshing to be around someone like you. In my world, people never say what they want to say.’

‘Well, you can come be refreshed anytime you want!’

Paul winced.

_What the hell was that?_

Fortunately, Juan seemed to be appreciative of the sentiment. ‘If you clear this with Commander Saru, because I am certain that you don’t have permission to be beaming me all over the place, I would like to visit with you again. But now, put me back. I don’t want to be away from Michael while she is asleep.’

Paul pressed the console, and the shimmering light again transported the man back to his designated place.

‘In the meantime’, Juan glared at him sternly from the view screen, ‘if you can also dial down some of this impulsive behavior, I would appreciate that. It’s not like I am in a good position to look out for you.’

‘Look out for me? Why would you do that?’

‘What kind of question is that?’ Juan retorted with a flash of temper in his brown eyes, ‘Don’t you want me to?’

They stared at each other stupidly, both apparently confused at this abrupt turn in their comfortable conversation.

‘You called me Hugh,’ Juan said carefully, ‘maybe this call was a bad idea. I don’t want to hurt you.’

‘You won’t!’ Paul insisted, his voice choking a little at the deep familiarity that tugged at his soul, as Juan frowned at him worriedly.

_Please, don’t push me away._

_Please, don’t push me away._

‘I feel very protective of you,’ Juan announced slowly, as if sounding it out in his mind for the first time.

Paul hurriedly wiped away the tear that rolled down his face with the back of his hand. He quickly stored away these wonderful words in his mind, to be taken out later in the quiet dead of night, when he couldn't sleep.

‘Please don’t be so worried, Juan,’ the young engineer begged, ‘You are a lot like my Hugh, and it’s great to be reminded of the good times. Besides, you are the only person who I can really talk to about him. Everyone acts as though I am going to crack.’

Eventually Juan nodded, his expression clearing, ‘I didn’t think of it like that. I am glad to be of help to you.’

‘So, will you call me after my shift?’ Paul asked, trying not to sound as desperate as he felt.

 


	3. Imperial gold

Paul stared at the brightly lit wall of the spore chamber.

He had thought work would distract him from this insanity that was now his life, but how could it? It was here, he and Hugh had made the biggest breakthroughs of their careers.

Reverently, he caressed the cold metal implants in his arms.

He had been so caught up in the side effects of the spores that he didn’t have much functioning brain matter to spare for Hugh’s excitement, regarding the one of a kind augments that now linked the external environment directly to his neurons. If they ever got out of this blasted war, he would try to write a scientific paper to honor the medical achievement.

He pressed one hand against the cold wall of the chamber.

Did he miss Hugh?

It was hard to answer that with Juan now a part of this universe.

He knew his feelings were confused.

He was transferring affection that belonged to one man on to someone else. It was not fair to Juan and disrespectful of Hugh’s memory. How would he feel if he had died and Hugh now had a mirror Paul?!

Ridiculous.

He wouldn’t feel anything because he would be dead.

His head thunked hard against the door of the spore chamber.

_Forgive me, Hugh._

_I am weak._

_I can’t do this without you._

_I can’t fucking do this without you!_

‘Lieutenant,’ Tilly stammered nervously behind him, ‘I made you tea.’

Paul sighed as he turned around to accept the cup, squeezing her arm to reassure her that he was okay.

‘I completed the scan of the mushroom chamber,’ she added, ‘can you look over my figures?’

As he walked over to his workstation, he was surprised to find that his message box was blinking, registering a text that was over 15 minutes old.

He quickly pressed the icon.

‘Paul.’

There was only one person on this ship who would call him that.

He clicked the message and it immediately asked whether he would accept the video uplink.

Paul grabbed his PADD and power walked to the nearest utility closest.

‘Juan?’

It took a few seconds but the man quickly came into view.

‘Michael is still asleep and I am starving!’ he whispered, ‘What is going on with this replicator? Am I doing it wrong?’

Juan held up his view screen to the machine.

‘It’s stuck on diagnostic mode,’ Paul explained, ‘I will fix it from my station.’

Juan cut the call so abruptly that it plunged the closet into darkness.

The short interaction left Paul feeling sick and cold all over, so accustomed he was to Hugh’s warmth and care.

_Pull it together man. He knows you are working. He probably didn’t want you to get in trouble._

Feeling better with this explanation, he hurried back to his station before the rest of his staff started to worry. He quickly fixed the food dispenser and finished one page of Tilly’s calculations, before his fingers wandered back to his PADD.

**What did you order?**

'Stew.'

**Stew?!!!**

'What’s wrong with stew? Hugh, didn’t like stew?'

**Yes he likes stew, but we have such a wide menu. Did you see the selection button?**

'When you’ve been surviving on war rations for months, a hot stew with fresh ingredients is positively orgasmic.'

_Oh really now!_

Paul grinned mischievously.

**So did our stew do the trick? Do you have a hard on?**

'God! Almost spit out that mouthful. It’s always the quiet ones that surprise you.'

**You didn’t answer the question, by the way.**

'No! For crying out loud, I don’t have an erection!'

The engineer lips pressed together as he struggled not to laugh.

'Paul, stop this. I don’t want you to get into trouble with your supervisor.'

**I am the supervisor!**

'What?! But you’re so young.'

**Hey! I am only five years younger than you are!**

'Sorry, it wasn’t meant as an insult. Truly. You a supervisor, that’s amazing. What an achievement!'

Paul felt the tips of his ears turn pink with pride.

For the next five hours as he worked around engineering trying to repair the damage, they chatted via the text feature. He hadn’t felt this calm in a very long time. He liked that Juan asked about Hugh, curious to know more about his mirror counterpart. Interestingly Juan never knew Paul’s reverse in his universe. It wasn’t surprising though as Stamets was part of the Emperor’s court and Juan was a rebel.

'That's where I first met Michael,' Juan revealed. 'When she visited the rebel nest'

**How did she convince you to come with her?**

There was no reply for long minutes and Paul was just about to go find the utility closet again, when the text finally came through.

'I have some understanding of your world now, and I think what she did would upset you.'

Paul felt his stomach drop in fear.

**Did she hurt you?**

'No.'

**Juan, just tell me, please. My imagination is making me sick .**

'She bought me.'

**What?**

'Look, the rebel nest needed the supplies. I went willingly. God, all that imperial gold. It was enough to cover an entire table.'

The engineer stared blankly at his device.

'Paul?'

'Paul?'

'You’re upset, aren’t you?'

**Of COURSE, I AM UPSET! I am sorry that you had to go through that. Were you scared?**

'Yes.'

Paul took in a sharp breath, pained by the words.

'I still am, but I don’t feel so scared when I am with you.'

_Oh god._

The words pulled at every fiber of his being. He needed to see Juan and he needed to see him now!

He almost jumped when a gentle chime signaled the end of the shift.

'Juan, I got permission from Commander Saru to beam you to my quarters. Stand by.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do we want cute snuggles next or angsty ones?


	4. as bad as a lovesick cadet

He didn’t quite like how his heart was hammering out of control, as the sound of the ship's transport beam hummed loudly in the quiet of his quarters. He was an adult for god’s sake, not some lovesick cadet waiting for their crush to appear!

It did NOT help though that Juan softly smiled down at him as he reintegrated fully.

Naturally, he wanted to smile back, but all Paul could do was scowl unhappily, ‘but you are already in your sleep wear!’

Juan looked down at the maroon jumper. ‘Yeah, I am totally knackered but I wanted to come say good night, and to thank you in person for today. I had a good time.’

Paul could only smile like a total goof in reply.

_He had a good time?_

_With him?_

Juan’s eyes cut sharply to the right where a tasteful place setting for two, adorned a small table wedged under one of the ship’s port windows.

‘Don’t worry about that,’ Paul blurted out, trying to hide his acute embarrassment at the surprised look on the man’s face, ‘we can grab some food another night when you are feeling better. I want to talk to you about Starfleet for a few minutes, before you leave.’

The lieutenant made to walk to the sofa, but was stopped in mid step as Juan gently but forcefully turned him around, and marched him towards the small eating area.

‘I can have some of that wine,’ the older man insisted, ‘you should eat.’

Paul took his chair, trying but failing not to grin broadly down at his bowl of soup, at this wonderful turn of events. He felt as though ten butterflies were doing the mambo in his stomach, especially when Juan's long legs innocently pressed against his, as the other man squashed himself into the small nook.

_Be cool be cool be cool_

_Don’t scare him._

He swallowed two mouthfuls of hot soup before he looked up into Juan’s disapproving face. ‘What?’

‘Is that water you are eating?’

Paul automatically looked down into his bowl, ‘of course not, it’s a broth! I am not a big eater to be honest.’

Juan gave him a pointed look as he selected a roll from the breadbasket, to deposit on his dining companion’s plate. ‘That I can believe.’

Fearing an argument on his poor eating habits, the engineer quickly grabbed the bottle of wine and poured for them both.

‘This is very nice, Paul,’ the other man admitted as he admired the sparkling liquid as it filled up his glass, ‘It is very lovely of you to go through all this trouble. I don’t know what to say.’

Paul sipped at his wine. ‘You make it sound as though no one ever waited up for you to come home at the end of the day. Didn’t you have a girlfriend or … or….a boyfriend?’

Juan skewered him with a strange look instead of answering, which caused the lieutenant to hastily put down his glass with a shaky thump.

‘Did you have someone?!’ Paul repeated in a panicked voice, horrified at the possibility that they had ripped him from loved ones or worse yet, a family. ‘Oh stars!’

‘No, I didn’t have anyone really… permanent,’ Juan reassured him, ‘It was less painful to not have the complication of “attachments” that could be used against you. I haven’t let anyone get close to me in a long time.’

‘That sounds terribly lonely,’ Paul blurted out, distressed by this information although secretly relieved that Juan’s heart was free and perhaps available.

‘It was what was needed to survive,’ the other man insisted in a soft whisper, as he rotated his glass of wine absently with his fingers.

Without thinking, Paul laid his arm on the table, holding out his palm comfortingly. To say he was thrilled, when Juan immediately grabbed his wrist as though it was a lifeline, would be an understatement.

‘Eat,’ the older man insisted as he slouched in his seat and looked out of the porthole at the stars outside.

_Eat?_

That was easy for him to say.

Juan looked cool and calm as a cucumber whereas Paul was a nervous wreck, just from holding hands. Well, they weren’t exactly holding hands, like romantic holding hands, but Juan hadn’t let go of his arm. The handsome dark skinned man calmly sipped his white wine, with the cutest little moue of distaste at the sharp underlining notes of synthehol, wrinkling his cute note.

_Yeesh!_

It was official.

He wasn’t as bad as a lovesick cadet, he was worse!

The blonde wisely turned his attentions back to his soup. When he had finally managed to force down the last of the unwanted bread, the older man turned to him with an expectant glance.

‘Starfleet is going to take your opinion into account, Juan.’ Paul explained as wiped his hands with his napkin. ‘You don’t know them like I do, you have to trust me. They are not going to dissect you in a lab or keep you prisoner indefinitely. Respect for sentient beings is the cornerstone of our way of life.  They would have already dealt with this matter if we weren’t at…’

Paul stopped. Commander Saru had ordered a strict information black out for their guest, as regards their current political situation.

‘Your world just sounds too good to be true,’ Juan confessed in a panicked whisper as he leaned in closer to share his secret fears, ‘humane treatment of prisoners, a Kelpien commander, respect for other species! I just don’t want to get my hopes up and then be crushed. I think it would kill me at this point.’

Paul grabbed on to his dinning companion’s wrist and squeezed it hard, as if trying to pour reassurance directly into the man’s veins.

‘Your hopes won’t be crushed,’ the young man insisted, ‘they won’t, and I will be with you every step of the way. Why don’t you think about it a little, so when Starfleet asks, you will know what to say? Do you think you might want to stay on the Discovery?’

Paul felt his throat turn dry, but he resisted the urge to chug more wine and perhaps give away his feelings. The young engineer wasn’t ready to give up Juan’s company yet by any means, but he would, he would support his new friend in any way that he could.

He was therefore astonished when Juan snorted contemptuously into his glass of wine, ‘I think I need to stay on the ship.’

‘Can I ask why?’ Paul inquired, even as his insides did a mad happy dance. He didn’t give a fig why he wanted to stay, just that he was.

‘Do you even know the basics of hand-to-hand combat?’ Juan answered with a flash of anger in his dark eyes, ‘Can you outrun the enemy until help arrives? You look like a good gust of wind would knock you flat!’

‘Sorry, I don’t follow.’

Juan raised a scornful eyebrow as he put down his glass, ‘I know your universe is at war. You can’t hide something like that from me. I was born to war, I can taste it in the very air.’

Now it was Paul’s turn to not know what to say.

What did this mean?

Juan would stay on the Discovery just to protect him?

Was the medic beginning to feel some growing tenderness for him?

Which would be ridiculous of course.

Juan had known him all of one day!

‘I need to use the bathroom,’ Paul announced suddenly, pulling his hand free and rising quickly to his feet.

The older man also stood, looking slightly alarmed, ‘everything alright?’

‘Yeah, I just need a shower before I totally drop in my shoes,’ Paul admitted. He could also use a bit of a break from the current direction of his thoughts. ‘Is this goodbye for now?’

‘I’ll wait for you to come out,’ Juan answered, ‘take your time.’


	5. Disfigured

Paul wouldn’t say he rushed through his nightly ablutions, but he didn’t dawdle either.

However, his visitor had already fallen asleep, sitting upright on the bed but slumped against the wall, with his arms folded across his chest. Juan had obviously been staring at the door of the bathroom, probably worrying that he had said something terribly wrong, which had chased Paul into the next room.

_He cares, he really cares._

The engineer tiptoed around the room with a big, silly grin on his face, as he cleared away the detritus of their meal, stealing quick peeks at his new friend. When Juan didn’t wake up as he tripped over a chair, he realized though that the man wasn’t lightly dozing.

Now Paul had done this maneuver a thousand times with Hugh.

The poor doctor had often fallen asleep in exactly the same position, waiting for him to come home from the lab. So Paul didn’t think twice when he bent over and snaked one arm under Juan’s knees, preparing to lift.

He yelped in shock when the sleeping man woke with a vengeance, flipping him over his head and on to the bed, effectively knocking the breath out of him.

The smaller man wisely kept still, even though he wanted to cry out in pain as the man’s fingers tightened even further on his wrists. War had only been raging for a few weeks, but he could recognize the signs of PTSD.

‘ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!’ Juan shouted, nine shades of angry flashing across his eyeballs. ‘Never, sneak up on me! Never!’

Paul nodded fervently. He knew in his head that the man was a trained rebel solider, but knowing it and actually experiencing it, were two different things altogether!

The older man groaned as he collapsed forward, gently pressing his forehead against the blonde’s cooler skin, ‘I could have killed you!’

At this point, Juan was tightly straddling his hips holding him in place, but there was nothing the least bit romantic about their position, as the man continued to rant at him.

‘Did you hear me, Paul?!’ he shouted again, ‘I could have killed you!’

‘It’s okay. I’m okay,’ the engineer whispered reassuringly over and over, trying to calm the distressed man with his words.

Eventually, Juan quieted down and let go of his wrists, massaging them absently with his thumbs to relieve the sting.

_Oh no._

Paul felt desire spike through him as the man’s touch softened, practically caressing one of the most sensitive spots of his body.

He averted his eyes to stare over his shoulder.

He really needed the medic to get off him, and soon.

‘PAUL!’ the older man wailed in fresh agony, as his fingers slipped over the spore drive implants. He frantically pulled down the others matching, maroon sleeves, 'You’re hurt! You’re hurt! Curse it, Paul!’

Juan felt silent as he rocked back on his heels, bringing the devices up close to his face to study.

‘A delivery system of some sort,’ he muttered to himself, ‘for medicine? You are sick!’

‘No, I am not sick.’ Paul answered calmly, frankly touched by all this worry.  ‘These are cybernetic implants for …for a project I am heading up.’

Again, their eyes connected in an intense stare.

‘Say that again?’

_Um…._

‘It’s for science?’ the blonde offered evasively, quailing under the man’s glower as he exhibited a very Hugh-like type anger, ‘I can’t tell you more. I’m sorry.’

Juan had closed his eyes breathing hard, apparently struggling to process this strange, new information.

‘I hate this,’ he blurted out, dropping Paul’s hand where it fell to the white bed cover, ‘what possible good reason could there be for you to be disfigured this way?'

_Disfigured?_

_Disfigured_ _!_

‘Shut up,’ Paul whispered, as his blood turned ice cold and then boiling hot as his emotions roiled.

‘Sorry?’ the other man asked in astonishment at being so rudely addressed.

‘Get off me!’

‘Paul, I don’t like the implants,’ Juan tried to explain with an apologetic little smile, ‘but I like  _you_  just fine.’

He realized now that he shouldn’t have used the word disfigured, but who knew that the young man would be so sensitive about his looks?

‘GET OFF ME!’ Paul screamed, so upset that he started to shake, ‘NOW!’

The minute the other man released him, Paul scooted to the opposite side of the bed, rolling up like the proverbial hedgehog.

He flinched when his visitor reached across and touched him in the middle of his back with his fingertips.

‘Paul, I don’t know why you are so upset,’ Juan remarked quietly, ‘Can you talk to me?’

The blonde tenderly kissed his implants, and tucked them protectively against his chest.

‘I can’t believe this,’ Juan snapped in growing exasperation, ‘so you are just going to sulk like a child? Talk to me, so I can properly apologise.’

The silence was so thick between them now, the engineer felt he was choking on it.

‘FINE!’ Juan shouted at the top of his lungs, rolling off his side of the bed, ‘be like that! See what I care?!’

Paul flinched again, screwing his eyes shut in misery. This was definitely one difference between the two men. Juan had a temper, a bad one.

Hugh would have never reacted like that.

He sighed when he realized he was crying again. It took very little to set him off of late. All things considered this was hardly surprising, but he would rather not have an audience staring at him.

Why couldn’t Juan just go away?

Couldn’t he see that he didn’t want to talk anymore?

He could sense the man pacing the room behind him, doing God only knew what, before settling in one spot.

_What now?!_

Did he have a few more insults to hurl?

Defiantly, Paul wiped his face with his sleeve and looked up to glare at where Juan was sitting on a chair about two feet away. 

‘You’re crying again,’ he said rhetorically in a hollow voice, ‘I am sorry that I upset you. It is the last thing I want to do.’

After a moment, Paul smiled feebly appreciating the unnecessary apology. It wasn’t as though the man understood what the implants meant to him.

He was just glad Juan had calmed down so quickly.

What a relief!

He hiccuped quietly, beginning to feel sleepy now from the ups and down of his day.  Grabbing a blanket at his feet, he snuggled into his mattress for warmth.

Juan, sensing a favorable shift in his mood, slid off the chair to his knees and scuttled across the small space. Paul smiled in bemusement, when the man then unexpectedly reached out one big hand to gently smooth his hair.

_Oh, this was quite lovely._

_Very lovely_.

‘I thought you didn’t care,’ the young man teased him, pleased when this got the other man to smile back at him.


	6. Co-dependency

The young lieutenant was loathe to break the perfectness of the moment, but the tiny tension lines bracketing the man’s eyes, gave away his true feelings. Paul was, after all, an expert on reading and understanding that beloved face.

‘Juan?’

‘Hmmm.., ‘the older man replied absently, as he helped open and arrange the blanket over his new friend’s shoulders and legs.

‘If I tell you something, you can’t shout at me.’

The aspiring medic sighed in regret. ‘I promise I won’t shout. Sorry about that by the way. It’s just…’

Juan pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to find the best words to frame out his thoughts, ‘Michael saved me, Commander Saru provides for me, but you’re the first real friend that I have here.’

‘I wasn’t injured in some reckless stunt,’ Paul insisted, ‘I swear.’

The other man looked relieved to hear that. ‘Can you tell me anything about the implants? Just a hint?’

Lord, now what was he going to say? He couldn’t let the man suffer in his mind. From the start, Juan had somehow gotten it fixed in his head that he was a perpetual magnet for trouble.

Which wasn’t true, of course.

Well…

NOT ALL THE TIME!

‘The ship was in danger,’ Paul mumbled, cudgeling his brains for inspiration, ‘Everyone was going to die if I hadn’t done something. I got hurt…doing the something.’

He felt the tension in the man’s fingers that were still stroking his hair, but Juan was keeping his word to remain calm.

‘Hugh made these augmentations for me,’ Paul added, his voice cracking a bit as the memories and emotions swamped him, ‘he worked night and day so I would be safe and comfortable when I was doing my research. Don’t say you hate my implants. I couldn’t bear it. Not from you.’

‘Shhh….’ Juan fretted in a low whisper. He suspected all along that this had something to do with Dr. Culber, just from the ferocity of Paul’s reaction, ‘Don’t worry about that now. It’s okay. We’re okay.’

‘Hugh was such an extraordinary human being,’ Paul reminisced, suddenly trapped in a memory made even more alive with the other man hovering so attentively over him.

Juan cupped one of his cheeks in his hands, tracing the outline with his thumb. ‘Just as you are, in case you didn’t know.’

‘You think so?’ the lieutenant spluttered in astonishment, ‘Really?’

‘You saved your ship, Paul!’ Juan retorted with a look of awe on his face.

‘Starfleet is going to award me a medal of bravery,’ the engineer announced proudly, promptly bursting into huge, wracking sobs, as he imagined how Hugh would have reacted to this news.

God, he missed his dear doctor so much.

He squashed his face gratefully into Juan’s chest when the man gathered him up in his arms, holding him together as his insides broke apart. 

Oh, the lieutenant knew in a corner of his mind that he shouldn’t be clinging to Juan like this. It wasn’t healthy for either of them. They were very rapidly developing a crippling co-dependency for each other’s society because of their separate traumas, but he couldn’t fucking care about that at the moment. He would fight for every scrap of comfort that he could get.

Ever slowly, the storm passed and he regained control of himself.  

Oh no. 

He had soaked through Juan’s sleepwear. ‘Sorry.’

‘I can’t leave you like this,’ the medic mumbled into his ear.

Paul gasped wetly into his shoulder, ‘Don’t go. Please, not tonight.’

The older man gently pried the man off him and laid him back down on the bed.  ‘Easy Paul, try not to get so worked up. I won’t have you sick. Hand me a pillow. I will sleep on the floor. If you wake up and I am not here, I just went to check on Michael.’

_The floor?!_

Paul scooted over to clear a space, before realizing what he did. Hastily, he tried to figure out some way to explain himself.

‘Are you sure?’ Juan asked quite calmly, as if he was use to sharing close quarters with other men. ‘I can manage with the floor.’

‘It’s okay,’ the lieutenant replied, actually not sure at all as the man heaved himself up and over on the vacant side of the bed. He tried not to choke on his tongue when the medic then peeled off his wet top and dropped it to the floor, before laying down with the grateful moan of the truly exhausted.

_Be cool be cool._

_He doesn’t know you have all these feelings for him._

_We’re just two guys hanging out._

_Oh God!_

_He’s fucking killing me here!_

The young man stared his full at the amazing musculature on display. He had instantly noticed the difference in Juan’s physique, when he had hugged him earlier.

After a while, the older man turned his head and raised an eyebrow at Paul, who was practically balanced on the edge of the opposite side, wrapped up tight in his blanket like a caterpillar. ‘I don’t bite, you know.’

Paul snorted nervously, but obligingly crawled back to the middle of the bed, where the other man grabbed his hand and tucked it firmly into the crook of his arm, like a parent trying to keep a naughty child from wandering off.

‘Well, I don’t bite hard,’ Juan said so nonchalantly that it took a moment for Paul to understand. Juan laughed, as the engineer squeaked and tried to skitter away.

‘It wasn’t that funny’, Paul glowered at the side of his face, feeling sorely tempted to push the irritating man off the side of the bed. He doubted that he would have any luck with that though. Juan was probably ten kilos heavier than his deceased husband was.

‘Are you warm enough?’ the medic eventually inquired as he stared up at the ceiling. ‘Do you need another blanket?

‘Don’t you need one?’ he asked instead.

‘Nah, I’m good. Computer, dim lights to 10 percent.’

A peaceful quiet fell between them as they blinked tiredly in the cool dimness.

‘It’s okay to let yourself sleep,’ Paul remarked, in a sudden burst of clarity, ‘The crew will protect us.’

Juan covered his face with both hands and groaned loudly, ‘Paul, for God’s sake, stop doing that! I don’t know if to be alarmed or amazed at the way you read my mind.’

The blonde pressed his face into Juan’s bicep. ‘I vote for amazed.’

He never thought he would ever get to do this again.

By rights he shouldn’t.

People didn’t get second chances like this.

Oh Jesus.

He was not going to cry again.

Juan patted his hand sympathetically, as he trembled under the blankets.

‘There once was a woman named Jill,’ Juan then bizarrely remarked.   
Who swallowed an exploding pill   
They found her vagina   
In North Carolina   
And her tits in a tree in Brazil”

Paul sucked in a harsh breath before roaring with laughter. ‘What the hell was that?!’

‘A dirty limerick,’ the older man announced without batting an eye, ‘Your turn.’

‘My turn?’ the blonde stammered, really a bit astonished because Hugh was so proper and formal, all the time. You couldn’t even get a curse word out of him, unless Paul was sucking him off, ‘I don’t know any limericks.’

‘You need to get out the lab some more,’ the medic teased, giving him a playful push.

And again Juan launched into more “poetry”.

‘There once was a plumber from Lee   
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea   
She said stop your plumbing,   
There's somebody coming!   
Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!’

Paul pressed his lips together, struggling not to laugh, ‘Good night, Juan.’

‘You sure? I know loads of them….’

‘Good night, Juan!’

The two of them took turns breaking out into silent giggles like children on a sugar high.

Paul smiled when Juan’s breathing finally evened out as he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't write the poems in this story.


	7. Work out clothes

Paul lay in bed thinking.

He was thinking that he had either messed up everything by rolling on top of Juan in the middle of the night, or that he hadn’t messed up, and the mental flash was all part of a wonderful dream. A dream where Juan wasn’t horrified to wake up and find a man sleeping on his chest. A dream where Juan hadn’t immediately dumped his sorry ass on the floor. A dream where the older man had just sighed quietly in exasperation, and instructed him to go back to sleep.

In any case, Juan wasn’t there now, but had left Paul’s PADD on the pillow he had occupied during the night.

The young lieutenant picked up the device and stared at the screen, indicating he had an unread message.

What would it say?

Was he about to be “friendzoned?”

He huffed out a spurt of laughter at his nonsensical ramblings.

Juan would do nothing of the sort.

The older man had shown a marked patience for everything that Paul threw at him. He was sure that his new friend wouldn’t even bring it up, if he didn’t.

He accessed the message where the text informed him that Juan was preparing him a breakfast.

Paul tried not to be disappointed by the brevity of the note.

At least it wasn’t more of that God awful poetry, he thought with a smile. Juan had really come through for him last night. He was so sick and tired of people telling him it was going to be all right. There were no words to describe having some company free of all that pressure.

‘Yes, please. Thank you, I am ready for breakfast,’ he texted, sitting up expectantly, wondering what the man had replicated for him. He was actually in the mood to eat. One pancake with a little fruit would be nice.

A familiar light shimmered illuminating the room.

‘It’s green!’ Paul immediately yelped, his smile turning into a frown of dismay and disappointment, ‘and slimy. ‘

‘…and packed with essential vitamins and minerals,’ Juan added, waggling his eyebrows in a comical manner, as he forced the glass containing the smoothie into Paul’s hand, ‘and you are very welcome.’

Paul mumbled something foul under his breath.

Juan was a frigging morning person, just like Hugh!

‘What’s in that bag?’ the young man asked sourly, ‘it better be a donut to wash this concoction down with.’

Juan’s face looked calm and relaxed as he concentrated on opening the bag on his shoulder. He didn’t seem as though he was uncomfortable being around him at all.

God should he just ask?

He should ask, right?

They were friends after all.

‘Juan, last night did I um…er….?’

The older man glanced across at him with an understanding look, ‘are you like an octopus when you sleep? Yes, you are. I thought you were going to break my rib.’

Paul groaned with embarrassment, before snorting with laughter. ‘Sorry about that.’

‘It’s okay,’ Juan remarked quietly, ‘it was…sweet.’

The blonde dropped his eyes to the bed clothes, sure that he was blushing a deep mahogany.

Curse his fair skin!

Juan must know now he had some feelings for him. He would be blind not to notice.

So his conclusion in the first instance was right.

The medic was diplomatically ignoring it for the time being, probably thinking when he got a handle on his grief that his ‘affection’ for him would die too.

Paul needed to sit down with the other man and have a discussion about this, before he found out about Hugh from someone else. In the meantime, he knew Michael and the Commander well enough to count on their continued discretion.

But perhaps now was a good time.

Paul looked up and then immediately looked back down.

Shite.

He was supposed to be getting an award for bravery but just look at him now.

He liked what they had going on here. He liked the mental intimacy. He liked how Juan relaxed in his company.

The risk was too great.

He couldn’t lose Juan, not now.

‘Hey,’ the older man called to him in concern, reaching over to squeeze his shoulder.

Paul took a deep breath and looked up again. Juan smiled and then shook his head at him, as if to reassure him that they could talk about what happened last night another time.

The young man gave him a small smile in return, nodding his head in agreement.

‘I thought we could work out together this morning,’ Juan said briskly, changing the topic.  He glanced over with a hopeful look as he took out two five-pound dumbbells and placed them on the bed cover, ‘before you started your shift.’

Juan tried hard not to burst out laughing as the smaller man gave him an incredulous look, as though he was out of his damn mind. In any case, he liked this look better than the petrified expression the man had before.

‘I’ll get right on that,’ Paul muttered as he put the glass of breakfast on the floor, after which he burrowed under his blankets and hid his head.

‘What we need is to get your major metabolic groups active,’ Juan explained, seemingly oblivious to the theatrics of his friend, ‘I will have you eating a horse by the end of the month.’

‘But I don’t want to eat a horse,’ Paul whined, ‘why are you being so crazy this morning?!’

The medic walked over and grabbed his foot from under the cover, ‘it’s a new day Paul Stamets. A new day! Now, get up!’

Paul grinned in excitement.

He had no intention of getting up and he wondered what Juan would do next.

_Oh, this should be good._

‘I know you can hear me,’ the older man threatened, shaking his foot again for emphasis, ‘you have five seconds!’

The engineer shrieked in alarm when after the said five seconds, Juan effortlessly pulled him from under the blankets and stripped him of his pants.

‘Are you insane?!’ Paul shouted, as he bundled the blanket in his lap to hide his nakedness.

‘If you don’t get up from there right now, you will be exercising in your birthday suit!’

Paul jerked back as the man came at him, ‘Okay, okay. Hand me the glass.’

His hands shook slightly as he took the smoothie.

Juan noticed it too, and hastily sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘I want you to take your fitness more seriously, Paul. I am worried. I am worried that you can’t hold your own in a fight.’

The engineer took an experimental sip of breakfast but didn’t say anything.

‘And if you say Hugh and I were alike, then I am sure he had similar concerns.’

Oh, he was pulling out the _big_ guns.

Juan put a tentative arm across his shoulder. ‘I’m sorry if I frightened you.'

The lieutenant nodded, accepting his apology. ‘I was taught some hand to hand combat, but I haven’t practiced in months. Could you practice with me? I would like that.'

'Sure, sure,' Juan bounded up happily, clearly not expecting this level of co-operation. ‘But first nutrition and fitness. We can't build a fortress on sand!'

Paul sadly stared into his breakfast, wondering what hell, Juan's sexy smile and perfectly formed ass, had managed to talk him into.

In the meantime, the medic darted into the walk in closet, ‘do you have work out clothes?’

The young man almost choked on his drink, ‘JUAN, come out of there!’

There was no time to do anything else.

The engineer just sat there, mouth hanging open.

'What the heck, Paul?' Juan asked as he walked out with one of Hugh's medical suits in hand, 'whose clothes are these? This is too big for you.'

The older man turned the garment and stared transfixed at the medical insignia emblazoned at the breast.

 

 


	8. Déjà vous

Yes, his mind blanked out and his tongue went numb as he noted the moment when sudden realization stole across Juan’s features.

‘Did this tunic belong to Dr. Culber?’

‘It did,’ Paul murmured, taking a deep calming breath as he began what he knew would be a difficult, upsetting conversation for them both.

Juan pointed back towards the closet, ‘that’s all you are going to say?! There are ten of these hanging in there! Paul, whose room is this?!’

The engineer straightened his shoulders as best as he could, ‘it’s ours; Hugh and I. We were in a relationship.’

‘Relationship?!’ Juan repeated in a shocked voice, ‘like, friends with benefits? Beacause I can understand that, space can be lonely. That’s what you mean, right?'

Paul shook his head in denial, not having the courage to say the words aloud. Not the way the other man was staring at him.

‘Mi dios,’ Juan muttered as he threw himself into the nearest chair, ‘you have to be kidding me!’

The medic sat there with a shell-shocked expression, processing the words and their implications.

‘I am sorry you had to find out like this,’ the blonde apologized quickly.

The older man waved one hand around helplessly. ‘I did see you looking at me, and sometimes you would say these things, but I ignored it. I just thought you were missing your friend...’

Juan groaned and covered his face with both hands. ‘Paul, for God’s sake!’

‘I was waiting for the right time to tell you,’ the young lieutenant stammered miserably, ‘You have to believe me.’

The medic turned to him with a look of incredulity. ‘This was important, you should have told me the first day that we met! There was no blasted right time to tell me!’

‘Well I know that now!’ Paul shouted back, breathing hard with stress and anxiety.

His whole world was crumbling.

Again.

Juan’s face however gave no quarter. Gone was the person who had so thoughtfully made him breakfast and clucked about his weight and stamina.

He could understand though why the older man was so upset. Juan had shared his deep dark secrets with him only to find out now, that his new friend was hiding the biggest secret of them all.

‘I trusted you, Paul,’ the man said in an emotionless voice.

The engineer felt as though he had been slapped across the face. How was it possible for someone who had such warm brown eyes, to suddenly make then look like chips of cold marble?

‘So, what else have you been keeping from me?’ Juan sneered in an unfriendly tone, as he tossed the tunic on to a low table.

‘Nothing, I swear.’

Paul knew he sounded pathetic but now was not the time for pride. Now was the time to throw himself at the man’s feet and grovel for understanding and forgiveness.

However, before he could execute this brilliant plan, Juan stood up, hissing a stream of colorful Spanish under his breath. ‘How can you look me in the face and say that?’

‘Because it’s true,’ the lieutenant said quietly as the man loomed over him.

Juan reached out and grabbed his forearm.

‘Don’t lie to me! Don’t lie to me!’ he suddenly shrieked out so loudly that Paul felt his ear drums ring.

The young man could only gawk in astonishment, paralyzed in place by this abrupt turn.

It was as if some switch had gone off in the older man’s mind.

‘Juan?’

The lieutenant gasped in dismay when the medic twisted his arm and dragged him off the bed.

‘Juan, you’re hurting me!’ he cried out, fighting to the last although he knew it was hopeless. He was no match for the man’s strength amplified by his rage.

‘I TRUSTED YOU!’ the medic screamed again, as he dragged him across the floor.

Through his pain, Paul stared longingly at the man’s features, beautiful to him still though contorted now by hate and anger.

What had he done?

_I am sorry, Juan._

_I am so sorry._

‘Computer, Stamets to Burnham,’ Paul whispered, knowing that the ship’s communication system would pick up his request no matter how softly he spoke. ‘I need you.’

The transporter beam shimmered loudly, causing Juan to release him as he swung around to ward of this new threat to his existence.

Specialist Burnham was half a head shorter and about 20 kilos lighter than the older man, but her perfect posture and searching, intelligent gaze made her seem ten feet tall.

Paul hadn’t seen her in days.

He had forgotten how intimidating she could look.

Juan too was similarly affected, or perhaps her sudden appearance had snapped his mind back to something more normal.

Slowly, he turned his head around and looked down at him, with a face full of horror and regret at what he had done. He made no effort at all to defend himself, as Michael pinched the back of his neck and he collapsed like a pack of cards.

With a soft cry, Paul quickly crawled across the floor, not having the mental clarity to get up and walk to where Juan lay.

‘Are you alright?’ Michael asked, kneeling down at his side as Paul carefully cradled Juan in his arms.

The lieutenant ignored her as tears blurred his vision. It was a frightful déjà vous moment, as he sat on the floor rocking Juan’s unconscious body in his arms. The only comfort this time was the strong pulse and warm skin, under his fingertips.

‘Paul, are you alright?’ she repeated this time louder, as she gave him a firm shake on the shoulder. ‘Did he hurt you?’

Eventually Paul looked up, confused by the terror in her eyes, only understanding when she hurried to pick up the forgotten blanket and drape over him.

‘He didn’t hurt me, not like that,’ he assured her quickly, with a little spurt of hysterical laughter in his voice, ‘the fact that I don’t have on my pants, has no bearing on why we were arguing.’


	9. one awful day

Michael sat back on her heels with a contemplative expression.

‘I get why he was so upset,’ Paul continued with his explanation of their argument, ‘but I don’t get the shouting part and the…rest of it.’

He wasn’t sure if she had observed Juan dragging him across the floor, and he would keep it a secret if he could.  Juan wasn’t an officer of Starfleet, but the organisation did not take physical attacks on their staff lightly.

The engineer hitched the other man more securely in his arms, as the woman continued to stare at him as though he was an interesting specimen. It was like in the old days when they first met, and she had cut off all emotion just to deal with her captivity and the infamy of being the only mutineer in Starfleet.

‘I have spoken with Juan about his life,’ she replied, crossing her legs under her as she sat on the floor, ‘he has been captured by the Empire before, and most likely tortured.’

‘Tortured?!’ Paul yelped in concern, shocked by this new and horrible information, ‘what do you mean?’

His fellow scientist raised a commanding hand, halting further questions.

‘You are not to ask Juan this,' she ordered in a no nonsense tone, 'and you will make no attempt to find more information on this topic.'.

Paul gaped at her in open mouth astonishment.

‘I would spare you that pain if I could,’ she continued in a confiding whisper, squeezing his shoulder gently, ‘there is no way to unknow a thing.’

The young man eventually nodded his head and looked down at his friend in his arms. He softly kissed his hairline more to comfort himself that anything.

_Tortured?!_

_Oh God._

‘Why are you telling me this?’

‘Because the intensity of his reaction has nothing to do with you,’ she explained, ‘he is just not adjusting to civilian life as well as we hoped.’

He tightened his grip around Juan’s body, as fear crept into his limbs. The only way anyone was taking away his new friend was over his dead body. He thought about the terror the man had described about being ‘imprisoned’ again.

‘We can try therapy,’ Paul insisted in a tense voice. ‘The computer can access a counselling programme.’

Michael nodded in agreement, ‘certainly, we can try.’

‘You don’t sound hopeful.’

The woman shrugged, ‘I like to think of the worst case scenario, but I am sure gains will be made. He is a diligent worker, eager to learn and improve himself. But the days to come will be hard and he will need your friendship.’

Paul closed his eyes in misery.

She hadn’t seen the way Juan looked at him.

He gave the man one last fierce hug, before placing him in Michael’s outstretched arms. Juan looked peaceful and lovable as he lay there, so much so that he badly wanted to lean over and kiss his lips. He settled for a gentle caress of his face.

Oh, what a difference ten minutes could make.

It seemed like just a few moments ago, when the medic had materialised with his awful breakfast in one hand and an impish grin in his dark face.

‘Would you tell him I’m sorry, again?’ he asked desperately, ‘and if he wants to talk he can call anytime. Anytime!’

 ‘I’m sure he will be calling,’ she remarked in a wry tone, before she realized what she was saying, ‘I apologise, forgive me. I spoke out of turn.'

Paul gazed at her with a pleading look, eager for any hope that this situation could be rectified quickly.

Eventually Michael sighed, leaning forward. ‘He talks about you….a lot. I am not sure if he realizes it.’

The lieutenant felt his cheeks warm, his heart skipping a happy beat by this revelation.

‘Although I had hoped that he would be a comfort to you,’ she remarked as she noticed his flustered expression, ‘I recognize now that I have made your life very complicated.’

Paul waved this off.

‘I’ll be alright, let’s just worry about Juan.’

‘Was this a mistake?’ the young woman asked in an offhand way, as though she was asking him to comment on the color of her hair.

‘Bringing Juan here?’ Paul asked rhetorically, ‘of course it was a mistake. I can’t even begin to imagine how we are going to explain his presence. Long lost twin?  What were you thinking?’

She looked down at the man in her arms, gathering her scattered thoughts. Of course she knew the time for explanations would come and she had practiced what to say to the lieutenant. 

‘I had seen Juan walking around the camp, tending to the wounded when I first beamed down,’ she finally confessed, struggling to keep her voice steady and clear, 'But I only went back for him when…’

Michael turned her head away as if in agony.

_…when you realized that Tyler had killed him._

‘Hugh’s death was not your fault,’ he reassured her.

‘It’s not that…’

Paul opened one arm and rested it lighted across her shoulders as her normal iron constitution broke.

‘I miss Tyler so much,’ she sobbed, ‘I didn’t think love would hurt like this, and I was dying inside knowing that you felt like this too. How can you live like this?’

‘Just as you will,’ the man whispered as he bent his body protectively over hers, ‘one awful day at a time.’


	10. mutual acquaintance

‘Why is a certain mutual acquaintance of ours, wondering if you visited sickbay as yet?’ Michael muttered close to Paul’s ear.

The young man took his time to read to the bottom of the page before he looked up from his monitor.

‘How nice of you to once again grace engineering, Specialist Burnham,’ he calmly replied, tipping his head towards the rest of his staff, who were practically bouncing on their toes, all dying to thank Michael for saving them.

The young woman was keeping a low profile ever since her return, and this was the first that many of the crew had seen her. However, the scientist would not be deterred, and her glare could drill a hole in Paul’s face if they stayed like this any longer.

He returned to his figures on the screen. ‘I have to be toes up before I _ever_ set foot in that sickbay again, a fact that certain mutual acquaintances may not be aware of.’

‘But are you hurt?’ she hissed insistently, grabbing on to the edge of the worktable, ‘you assured me that you were not!’

For a moment, he rested his hand on top of hers to calm her.

He sighed to himself, trying to process the fact that Juan was thinking about him too. He had been working on automatic and caffeine for the last two days, the weight of sudden loneliness and grief bringing him almost to his knees.

The nights were the worst of all.

‘I have a few scrapes,’ he admitted in a low voice, ‘nothing that won’t heal on its own.’

The stood there in silence, each taking comfort from the other’s warm, solid presence.

‘Do you think a certain mutual acquaintance might be amenable to treating my injuries?’ he attempted to ask in a causal tone.

A rare smile broke in the specialist’s face.

She gently nudged him out of his station, preparing to finish the rest of his shift.

Paul in the meantime, felt it was like deja-vous all over again, as he hurried over to her quarters.

He could of course beam straight in, but that might startle Juan, which was never a good idea.

He toyed with the idea of calling first, but …

_What if he wouldn't take the call?_

Too soon, he was at the door again but this time it didn’t magically open like it did on the previous occasion that he stood here. 

_It will be fine._

_If this was a bad idea, Michael would have said so._

Paul depressed the door chime and waited.

He shifted from foot to foot, staring at the ground as a crew member walked by giving him a curious glance.

Paul licked his lips nervously and pressed the button again.

He let out a pathetic sob in his chest, as the entrance remained stubbornly closed. Anxiously, he stepped right up to the door and pressed his ear to the surface before knocking softly.

‘Juan?’

The door whooshed open so fast he almost lost his balance. It didn’t matter though, as Juan quickly hooked an arm around his body to pull him inside.

Paul was half off the ground, half plastered up against Juan until the older man gently placed him on his feet in the middle of the room. The engineer was reluctant to let go of the man’s strong shoulder, but he couldn’t think of an excuse to hold him.

They then stepped away from each other almost like if they planned it.

_Well this sucks._

‘Hi,’ Paul eventually said in a weak voice.

Juan jerked a thumb at the door, ‘sorry about that. I am not allowed to open the door; it’s a good thing you called out to me. I thought for a moment it was this guy, Tyler, trying to get at Michael again.’

‘You’ve talked to him?’ Paul cried in astonishment, disturbed on several levels by such an event. The man had murdered Hugh after all.

‘No, of course not,’ Juan answered, ‘it’s just you, Saru and Michael. It is good to see you, Paul.’

‘Is it?’ he blurted out without thinking.

The medic raised his hand to touch his visitor’s arm, but stopped at the last second. He let his hand drop to his side. ‘Are you here to see me?’

Paul smiled softly, moved by the insecure tone in his voice. It was nice to know that he wasn’t alone in being a nervous wreck.

‘Yes, I came here to see you,’ the engineer assured him, ‘can we talk?’

Juan waved him eagerly to the sofa.

It was only when he had seated himself though that he realized that the other man had taken the opportunity to observe his gait. It was true he had been limping slightly ever since their ‘fight’ but in his worry about seeing the man again, he had forgotten to disguise the fact.

Juan gave him a sour look, and grabbed a first aid bag off the wall. ‘Don’t give me any additional stress, okay?’

Paul grimaced as he rolled up his sleeves.

‘It looks bad,’ he warned the medic as he held out his arms, ‘but it doesn’t hurt.’

Juan flinched as he observed the perfect bruise in the shape of his hand, on Paul’s pale flesh. The blonde could see his face working hard to bring himself under control.

Mastering himself, Juan knelt in front of him and picked up a regenerating tool to begin the process of repairing the damaged tissue. He fixed one arm completely, before being able to bring himself to speak.

‘I am sorry about all of this,’ Juan apologized, unable to look him in the eyes. ‘I can’t believe I hurt you, the one person…’

He let his voice trail off sadly.

Paul didn't know what to say. He couldn’t say it was okay, because it wasn’t. They lapsed into an uncomfortable silence, as Juan unnecessarily began massaging some fragrant lotion into his now perfectly healed skin.

It smelled like roses.

‘How is therapy?’Paul inquired kindly, wanting the man to know that at the end of the day he had his support and friendship. If he still wanted it, that is.

Juan rocked back on his heels, ‘It’s great.’

Paul arched a disbelieving eyebrow, ‘and I was born yesterday.’

It pleased him to no end that he could still make the older man laugh somewhat.

‘It’s awful,’ Juan corrected himself, gesturing absently to his patient to raise his tunic.

Paul shook his head, with a frightened look on his face.

After a moment, the medic smiled tightly, ‘I know you have a big ugly bruise on your left side. I was there you know. Please don’t hide from me.’

Again, the young man shook his head, hugging himself tightly.

‘Why didn’t you go to sick bay?’ Juan said conversationally, hoping to lull the man into a more cooperative frame of mind.

However, the question seemed to make the situation worse.

‘Okay, okay,’ Juan reassured him, ‘please don’t go! You don’t have to do anything. Breathe with me…in through the nose, out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through the mouth.’

Only belatedly did Paul realize afterwards, they were holding hands.

‘This is nice,’ the engineer confessed in a quiet voice. ‘Thank you. You are going to be a great doctor, you know.’

‘Thanks,’ Juan replied automatically.

Paul could tell he didn’t believe him, so he inched up his tunic as the man had requested, hoping that would make him feel better.

Again, Juan bent his head to the task, meticulously going up along his abused torso and then reversing direction, gently tugging down his waistband to expose his hip.

He drew back quickly when Paul suddenly gasped aloud.

‘What’s wrong?’

The young man’s face had gone tomato red. ‘It’s nothing.’

‘Paul?’

‘Don’t make me say it,’ the other man pleaded.

Juan was worried and miserable but he felt he had no right to press the matter, not after what he had done. He was just grateful the lieutenant was here at all, wanting to talk and spend time with him.

The medic leaned over to finish his work, when this time, Paul put out a hand to ward him off.

‘Paul, what’s the matter?!’ he asked in real concern now.

‘You’re breathing on my skin,’ the young man blurted out, panting with arousal as he squirmed around on the seat as if wanting nothing more than to disappear into a hole in the ground. ‘I’m sorry. Just ignore it.’


End file.
